Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
