Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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