i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
