My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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