I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
