Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
