Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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