So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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