I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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