can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
