Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
