I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
