So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
