I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sorry my hands just texted you
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
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