It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
