I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
