i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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