Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
