I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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