for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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