Umm I'm too high to move.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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