Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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