In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
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