Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
