i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I wanna passion pit in your ass
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
