Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
