Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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