Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She said her name was "party"
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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