Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
