people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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