you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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