did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
