I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
My vagina is very pro this idea
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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