awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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