he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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