I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
