That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
