Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
