I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
