I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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