I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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