I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
