Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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