I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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