Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
