he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
