two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
