life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I believe in your delicious
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
