I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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