i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
