I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
