I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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